Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
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Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.