4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.