[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
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imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
there has never been a better use of this meme
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.