interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
OH. COME. ON.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.