If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I have a type: disappointing
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Smells like a challenge to me
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?