When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
🤣dope
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Phonetics