Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic