According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
This is the one
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Siri: Retweet me.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum