My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
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My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.