I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’