Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.