“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Attacked by a mop.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”