There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!