If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
You Might Also Like
How about I get 100% off by already being there
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.