The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron