Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan