Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.