Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Gods work.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?