Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
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I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Breaking news:
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!