When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Breaking news:
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?