I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it