Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
boat question
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Great game to play with friends
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.