As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?