How do you like your Corgi?
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up