Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that