I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard