Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!