If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security