Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Sing it!
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
quarantine day 3
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you