Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
*puts my mental health in rice
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.