As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Start the year as you intend to continue.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail