Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”