I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Sharon, call the vet
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry