I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
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Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Well, this certainly took a turn
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Happy Caturday!
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”