What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I put the mess in domestic.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.