I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.