My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
#MeanwhileInCanada
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face