seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
constantly working on myself.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.