The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..