Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Writing, She Murdered.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Seems kinda suspicious
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo