my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.