If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”