It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one