That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”