If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”