A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
#ParentingFacts