It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?