If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
You Might Also Like
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana