doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
lmao
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve