Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Sponch
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“